What I’m Thinking As I Make Mad Passionate Love To My Wife

Christ, we’ve let ourselves go. We’re collecting folds where no fold should form. Did I unplug the coffee maker? Why’s her tits floppin’ that weird way? Isn’t it against the laws of physics?

Oops, she’s looking at me funny. Do I have that far away look again? Say something. Quick!

“Oh, baby, love you, baby. You’re so hot!”

Phew, she’s back into it. Though, truth be told, she’s hotter than day old piss in the North Pole. Somewhere right now somebody’s doing it for the first time.  Enjoyin’ the hell out of it. Try being married 20 years. Jeez, it’s a chore. Not that I’ll tell Nancy that. She’ll be all oh you don’t love me anymore, and I sure as shit don’t need that row thank you very much.

Let’s see, tap in bathrooms leaking, the furnace is making funny noises, have to get that seen to, is the truck due an oil change? Saw that pretty new neighbor today. Man, what a body, if-eh-stop- think of that near the end. The Shield ended in a satisfying way. Vic, you murdering, robbing, lying sonofabitch, you sure got the most righteous comeuppance. Shane, oh my, your downward spiral, and desperation broke my heart, Ronnie my boy, you can’t trust anyone. What a great show.

What was that problem Sam wanted solved in his homework? Train A traveling 60 miles per hour, leaves Elyria heading towards Manchester, 200 miles away. The same time Train B traveling 70 miles per hour, leaves Manchester toward Elyria. When do the two trains meet?

“Turn over, honey”

Oh, that reminds me, I have to get some cheese at the store. Okay, huh, what’s the formula for that? Distance divided by Rate equals time? 60 plus 70 equals 130 miles, so 200 divided by 130 equals what 1.5 thereabouts? answer one and a half hours. Ha! Still got it.

Oh, time to think of the little blonde two doors down. What a body, Like Nancy’s when we where married. Tight, supple, and so sexy. Those short, shorts she was wearing the other day. My! Oh MY! Cameltoe-she-

” Wow! That was nice honey. Thank you!.”

Finally, now I can go to sleep…

Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!


“Who’s there?”


Knock! Knock!


“Who’s there?”


Knock! Knock!

I said, WHO’S THERE? Ah, fer cryin’ out-oh, there you are, well, ain’t ya gonna say somethin’? Everyone’s waitin’ for your line so I can give the witty reply. Cat got your tongue, or summit? Oh- I see-well, that’s royally fucked that up, hasn’t it? Goddamn cat. Any good at mime? No? Can you write? Jesus, didn’t you go to school? No? Why? Oh, that’s right, the cat. Dammit, how about you go get your brother, then. He’s got a tongue in his head, doesn’t he? Good, go get him. I’ll wait here.”

Knock! Knock!


“Who’s there?”


Knock! Knock!


” WHO’S THERE!”


Knock! Knock!

 

Jesus, not again! Aw, c’mon, not you, too. Where’s that damn cat?”

 

” What?”


“Oh, you speak! Yes! Okay! Gimme the line. Quick!”


“What?”


“I said, gimme the fuckin’ line!”


“What?”

 

Are you deaf, or someth-ah, bollocks, you’re fuckin’ deaf. Can’t hear? CAN’T HEAR! Hey, you, doesn’t he hear? No? Christ, he talks, though? Well, good, can you do that sign language thing? Better! Tell him to give me the line, Tell him I said who’s there?”


“I’m deaf, I didn’t hear the line spoken.”


“Fuck off, the both of you!”


“My sister speaks, and hears!”

 

Third times the charm, then. Okay, sign your brother to go get her. Take this bat, you see a cat, whack the bastard.”


Knock! Knock!


“Who’s there!”


“Iohanna!”


“Iohanna, who?”


“Iohanna, posuit in vestri INTERULUS venit pater!”


“Ah, no. No. No! Sigh. Go ahead, tell me. Sign him to tell me, okay? Sign him for fuck’s sake!”


“She fell on her head when she was a baby, she only speaks Latin.”


“Go away. Just-just go away. I’m just gonna go drink myself into a stupor. Go on, away with you.”


Knock! Knock!


Fuck OFF!”

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